Cathedrals get a new look (and go to hell)

postmodern church  (4)

A woman who was dying guilt tripped us into visiting this expensive Catholic church that was built in 2002. Does this even look like a church?

Oddly modern interior and no stained glass.

postmodern church  (7)

But there’s (two) marble fountains outside.

postmodern church  (5)

And they drew these constellations on the floor. Supposedly these stars were viewable on the day the church was erected. Except it is in Los Angeles so only satellites and planes would be visible with all of the pollution. Any science or stars are out of place at a church, like reading a physics book at church. (Which I totally did when the sermon got boring btw. There’s way more useful information in there for me now than in a bible.)

Back inside, the church has foot fetishes and diseased Jesus statues too.

It says John Paul is being canonized! ‘Cas a leader totally deserves it.

postmodern church  (11)

This new church has gotten a hold of some relics too! And if you’re Catholic but have no idea why Catholics are so attached to them, some apologetics have written an explanation.

postmodern church  (13)

Wtf is this pagan light holder?

postmodern catholic church sancturary.jpg

Here is a quiet room where you can pray. It’d be a good place to study too!

postmodern catholic bishop chair

Wikipedia says this uncomfortable chair cost somewhere between $150,000 – 1 million dollars – my rump can confirm I wasn’t impressed!


Lastly the picture of the exterior

postmodern church  (3)

…matches with its freaky post-modernist neighbors. And you should see the organized underground parking garage which includes an escalator and guards. They charge you for the privilege of coming to church except when there’s an event, and they charge you by the hour. They charge you $8 if you stay over 3 hours, which might not be a problem because I saw mercades in the basement.

The point is they tried to build it so hip and modern that it looked like a modern art museum, and felt like a generic classy big building. I I felt zero spirituality that I could call Christian when the aesthetics had been so watered down.


Meanwhile two blocks from the church a homeless guy sat on the corner people and some guy had dressed up as the character of Solid Snake. “Semper Fi!” (Are you even real?)

But he did stir up some mental imagery – I’ve heard that in the past churches were built like castles to defend their parishes from outside threats. It’d be no surprise that contemporary churches aspire to appear like the current iteration of the building that provides the most protection, namely the bunker.

I’ve long toyed with the idea that underground parking garages are designed to lead to hell, since they’re composed of dim lighting and winding passages that disorientate you without giving a sense of direction, and they eternally smell like burnt fossil fuels. I didn’t mention it yet, but this church also had a mausoleum on a lower level (which, being underground, is naturally where they decided the stained glass belonged for optimal illumination.) I don’t know why a new church decided to preserve the creepy ancient tradition of building more catacombs, and turning the basement into a resting spot for dead bodies.

Perhaps, long ago the Catholic leadership made a sinister pact with Satan. The terms were that the clergy would build their main churches on top of subterranean hellmouths. Satan’s invading minions could then use the catacombs as conduits to race to the surface and corrupt some bodies.  In return, Satan would teach them how to be tax-exempt, and expand the subterranean tunnels so bishops could run away whenever the authorities came knocking with charges of molestation.

It’s probably the ancient pact the church was founded on. Jesus did say his church would be founded on Peter’s cock…..I mean, Peter’s the rock. Meaning he would be the rock-hard foundation that would support everything. (See Matthew for the citation. It also says I was right about there being a gate to hell!)


One thought on “Cathedrals get a new look (and go to hell)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s