Q:I didn’t know Atheists could summon demons. I want me some some succubus action.
A: Demons should be easy, since Christians think any mass-produced spooky trinket can summon Satan, even an Ouija board. The easiest way is probably to throw together your leftover decorations from Halloween and pray to Satan. But if you want to decorate your house in a way that will ward off the missionaries, Christmas carolers, charity seekers, and Ned Flanders, you need to do some shopping to turn your room into this:
For a professional look buy black leather from the goth/BDSM sex shops, oujia boards from Toys R’ Us, new age trinkets (i.e. Native American drums & African masks), Buddha statues & incense (Buddha is a demon), and then hang gargoyles over your bed. The construction process involves drawing a geometric summoning circle around your bed with a crayon, lighting some scented candles, sacrificing some demonic Dungeons and Dragons cards to the flame (Magic the Gathering, Pokemon and Yugioh are equally corrupting too), replacing your light bulb with a black light, then recite some words from Harry Potter before going to sleep. You’re sure to wake up fucking Lilith, or to at least wake up in hell with Christopher Hitchens.
Christians can’t confirm it works though, because they never have the guts to try anything interesting. I’m pretty sure demon summoning fashion and design are easy to find in Japan though:
Lastly, here is how to summon angels to get rid of the demons and clean out the evil when you’re done having fun:
And here are some tips for defending yourself from spiritual warfare:
(Because we all know that in the vast cosmos, you are so important to God that he sends angels to guard you. And the devil is so jealous that he sends demons to fight those angels, and to try and corrupt you away from following God.)